by Outreach Of Hope
If we’re to help bear the burden for a suffering friend, honesty about failures, shortcomings, and expectations is essential. We feel uncomfortable when we don’t have the answers to life’s difficult problems. We want to hide when we feel we have failed. We tend to bury painful disappointments. These natural responses (from the one who is suffering as well as from those who would be encouragers) can break down close relationships at the very time we need them the most. As encouragers, we need to be honest about our fears, our weaknesses, our strengths. If we haven’t “been there” for a hurting friend, we need to let our friend know why—not as an excuse, but as an apology. We need to resolve the past losses and hurts so that we can encourage our friend in whatever way is possible today and tomorrow. We need to be honest about the kind of encouragement and support we are able to offer. If you are a terrific problem solver but struggle as a listener, let your friend know how you want to employ your problem-solving gift for his or her benefit. Perhaps you can be a meal or transportation coordinator, or the person who will make sure that the yard maintenance is done. We need to allow our hurting friend to be honest, too. We need to drop our agendas for those who hurt. We need to be there for them, not to form them. Allowing a hurting friend to be completely honest is not easy, particularly if our friend is angry. Anger is one of the more difficult—but totally normal—emotions a person encounters when dealing with a life-threatening illness. And a hurting friend’s anger can be intimidating and shocking. In the heat of anger, your friend may make unsettling pronouncements about life or God or rapidly fire questions at you, demanding answers. If so, count it a privilege that your friend has trusted you enough to expose his or her deepest pain to you. In the face of such honesty, Dave Biebel, author of How to Help a Heartbroken Friend, says we are “as close to representing God as is humanly possible.” So your response is extremely important. Don’t fall into the trap of giving pat answers or attempting to explain away your friend’s suffering. Simply accept your friend’s honesty and respond in honesty. It is okay not to have answers. Honesty opens the floodgates to a hurting heart. Honesty allows tears and silence. It allows joy and fear. It allows questions—with or without answers. Honesty gives a hurting heart a safe place to be loved, to grow, and to heal.
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