POSTS SEARCH
SEARCH
Counsel, Depression, Discovering Who I Am, Grief, Healing, Pain, Words of Endurance

Accepting Wise Counsel

By on

September 25, 2012

- Counsel, Depression, Discovering Who I Am, Grief, Healing, Pain, Words of Endurance

The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters,
but one who has insight draws them out.
PROVERBS 20:5 (NIV)



I admit it – I did not want to go to counseling – I did not want to share my feelings or my weaknesses with anyone. To me that appeared to be an even greater weakness – needing someone else to fix me. I was convinced that God and I together could fix myself.



After much begging I reluctantly agreed to go to counseling – not because I needed it but because Jan was depressed and SHE needed the counsel. I agreed to go to be her support.



I went in with a lot of apprehension. When we got in there, at first all I did was listen. Jan was hurting so much that she ended up dominating most of the sessions. I told myself I was there for my wife. But as I saw it work for her I became more open to the positive effect counseling could have on me. Before I knew it – within three weeks – I was the one on the couch!



Up to that point in life I had been unable to identify or articulate what I was feeling – I was totally out of touch with my feelings. A lot of it had to do with my fear – as a male – as a jock – of showing weakness. But through the insight of our Christian counselor – he helped me unravel the things that were holding me back from being vulnerable and transparent. He helped me peel back the layers and begin exposing what was going on in the deep waters of my heart. He gave me permission to grieve my losses. I was shocked – bringing my pain and weaknesses into the light actually brought healing.



Counseling also taught me to be a better communicator. By learning how to listen and communicate I was then able to identify and verbalize how I was feeling deep down inside. I learned to process with my wife what was going on inside – my feelings and my thoughts. That enabled us to become more supportive of each other. Not only was learning to communicate my feelings a huge blessing and further step to my maturity individually but the double blessing was that our marriage and love for one another grew stronger.



While it was very hard at first to admit that I needed the help I am now so thankful for the guidance I received from our counselor who was guided himself by the Holy Spirit and the Word of God. The whole inner process took months but was so worth it because I could have never done it on my own.



It is difficult – if not impossible –
to turn on the light of objectivity by ourselves.
We need guidance from the Holy Spirit
and usually the honesty, love and encouragement
of one other person who is willing to help us.
ROBERT MCGEE THE SEARCH FOR SIGNIFICANCE



Thank God that the process while difficult is not one we face alone. We are God’s children so be assured that He will gently and lovingly guide us each step of the way.



You guide me with your counsel,
leading me to a glorious destiny.
PSALM 73:24 (NLT)



On the journey with you,
Dave Dravecky

0
Counsel, Depression, Grief, Pain, Words of Endurance

When Wounds & Weakness Overwhelm Us

By on

July 24, 2012

- Counsel, Depression, Grief, Pain, Words of Endurance

Save me, O God,
for the floodwaters are up to my neck.
Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire;
I can’t find a foothold.
I am in deep water,
and the floods overwhelm me.
PSALM 69:1-2 PSALM OF DAVID (NLT)



Often times when we are experiencing painful affliction it can seem as though we are sinking deeper and deeper into the muck and mire. We can be so overwhelmed that we feel as though we are going to drown in the rising floodwaters of pain – physically, emotionally and Spiritually.



You have heard me say before that we are physical, emotional and spiritual beings. It is impossible for one part of our being to be in pain without impacting the other two. This is especially true when we experience a physical affliction. It is expected and normal for us to feel the pain physically that comes with the affliction but it is also normal and we should also expect to feel that pain emotionally and spiritually. When we begin to experience the unexpected emotional and spiritual pain – we are blindsided and that can be more than overwhelming.



If you are experiencing the following symptoms on a consistent basis – your emotional and spiritual health may be at risk.

  • You feel out of touch with your emotions – the feelings of your heart – you feel numb.

  • You feel out of touch with God – you can no longer sense His presence.

  • You have feelings of hopelessness and despair.

  • You have difficulty concentrating or finishing tasks.

  • You experience inappropriate outbursts of irritability, anger and rage.

  • You find yourself crying on a daily basis.

  • You have withdrawn from activities that used to bring you pleasure. You no longer experience joy.

  • Your sleeping and eating patterns are disrupted and/or changed.

  • You entertain self-destructive thoughts or think about hurting others.



Just as there are professionals who deal with physical health, there are professionals who specialize in emotional and spiritual health. If items on the list above describe you – you may benefit by consulting such a professional. Dave and I both are so grateful for the Christian psychologists and pastors who helped and guided both us out of the muck and mire of our depressions that were a result of Dave’s battle with cancer.



There is no shame in seeking the counsel of Christian psychologists, counselors, therapists and your pastor because they are able to see and help us in ways that we cannot see or help ourselves.


The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters,
but a man of understanding draws them out.
PROVERBS 20:5



And it is biblical and wise to seek the counsel of others.


Wise men and women listen to each other’s counsel.
PROVERBS 13:10 (THE MESSAGE)



And don’t forget that as children of God we not only have the wise Spirit-led counsel of others but we also have the indwelling of the Holy Spirit that will guide us to all Truth.


And I will ask the Father,
and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever
— the Spirit of truth.
The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him.
But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.
JOHN 14:16-17



And He promises …


I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.
PSALM 32:8



On the journey with you,
Jan Dravecky

0
Depression, Joy, The Promise of Joy, Words of Endurance

Discovering Joy

By on

January 11, 2012

- Depression, Joy, The Promise of Joy, Words of Endurance

Joys are always on the way to us. They are always traveling to us through the darkness of the night. There is never a night when they are not coming.
Amy Carmichael



If joy is a promised gift from God, then it was one that for most of my life was either hidden from me or that I hadn’t yet learned to open. And I’ve met countless others who have felt just as I did. The journey of discovering true joy was, for me, long and difficult. I share it with you in the hope that it might make your journey of discovering joy less of an obstacle course than mine was. I share it as a way of offering hope to those who believe that joy is an unattainable gift.



It is amazing to me that many people who meet me now say, “Jan, your face radiates so much joy . . . it gives me hope.” But it has not always been this way. There was a time, after the deaths of my parents and during Dave’s battle with cancer, when I experienced an oppressive depression and knew no joy. I remember lying in bed, feeling a black fog engulf every part of my life. Nothing looked good; life had lost all joy. I couldn’t feel God’s presence, and I couldn’t even remember what it felt like to believe in Him. Nor could I remember what joy felt like.



Total exhaustion, burnout, and depression drove me to my bed for a solid month, but staying in bed wasn’t helping. So I forced myself to get out of bed, although I was still very weak. I sat at my dining room table, sipping a cup of tea and gazing out the window at the flowers in my backyard garden. I sat there wishing life could go back to the way it used to be. The leaves on the trees were swaying in the breeze and shimmering in the sunlight. Their lovely spring green was deepening into a shade that heralds the coming of summer. I watched a sparrow hop from branch to branch, stopping to chirp as if tuning the notes of his song. He seemed to sing a song of joy, a song I couldn’t yet sing, but his bright song reminded me that joy was still alive somewhere. For that, I was grateful.



At that moment, an impression came to me unbidden. It was this: All your life, Jan, you have tried to be in total control, to remove pain and create your own happiness by manipulating people and circumstances. It has been like a juggling act for you. But Jan, it’s not up to you. You need to let go. If you let go, I’m going to show you a joy you’ve never known. . . .



Letting go was not easy. It wasn’t something I knew how to do. Letting go meant learning to trust God and His promises no matter what my circumstances were.



I did not learn this overnight, but God proved Himself faithful. And one spring day three years later, I was sitting at my dining room table, sipping a cup of tea and looking out the window at the mountains. The pine trees surrounding our home were swaying gently in the breeze, and the flowers in the pots on my deck were blooming, heralding the coming of summer. I had a sense that I had experienced this day before.



Then it dawned on me. This day reminded me of the day I was sitting at my dining room table in Ohio, the day when the Lord told me to let go, the day He promised He would show me a joy I’d never known.



As I recalled that promise, I realized that the joy God promised me had become a part of my everyday life, a joy that comforts the soul. I have a joy in knowing that God is my Father, that He cares for me. I have joy in knowing that I don’t have to be in constant control of other people or every situation and in knowing that I don’t have to fear the future or strain to make it unfold the way I think it should. I have joy in knowing that the fate of the world does not rest on my shoulders—but on His.



Today, I focus on living, loving, and trusting God. I enjoy what each day brings, and cast all my cares on God as they come. This is the joy I’d never known!

0
Anger, Cancer, Depression, Relationships, Relationships in Trouble, Words of Endurance

The Ripple Effect

By on

November 26, 2011

- Anger, Cancer, Depression, Relationships, Relationships in Trouble, Words of Endurance

He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; for every man has to be forgiven.



Five years ago, Jennifer Smith descended into the valley of adversity. Like many others who travel the lowlands of pain and sorrow, she began her journey by walking upright – strong and full of faith. But during the years that followed, a series of devastating events ad a crushing relationship problem undermined her strength and her once rock-solid faith, reducing her walk to a crawl.



Her journey through the valley began when William, the youngest of her three sons, was diagnosed with cancer. William endured three months of daily radiation and hypothermia treatments, but the cancer in his arm continued to grow. When he was 19, William’s left arm had to be amputated in order to save his life.



At first, as is true for many amputees, William handled the changes in his life well. But the prolonged stares, the unanswered questions, and the shattered dreams proved to be more than this athletic, sensitive young adult could manage. Like many other amputees, William slid into a deep depression. The next few years brought four failed suicide attempts, drug addiction, and admission into a treatment facility that required his entire family to move halfway across the country so that they could be near him.



In their new surroundings, they were very much alone. But Jennifer’s strong faith and deep bonds with her husband and other two sons seemed to meet her relationship needs. After all, she was battling for her son’s life. Who but family could possibly understand?



Three years after her youngest son lost his arm to cancer, her oldest son, Cody, was in an automobile accident. When they got to the hospital, Cody lay in a coma, hooked up to life support. The doctors held out little hope for his recovery, but the family refused to give up.



For the next year, despite William’s suicide attempts and near fatal overdoses, Jennifer, her husband, and their middle son, Andrew, fought tenaciously for Cody. Although he regained consciousness, severe head trauma left him with the functional and intellectual capabilities of a toddler. Still, the family prayed, accompanied him to grueling physical therapy, and – despite professional recommendations that Cody be institutionalized – brought him home.



Even though her oldest son didn’t know her or recognize her as his mother and her youngest son was racing head-long down a self-destructive path, Jennifer still had the support and love of her husband and middle son. Or so it seemed. That’s why the call caught her by surprise. It was one of Andrew’s best friends from back home. He had called to confirm what day Andrew would arrive.



Arrive? Jennifer didn’t even know he was leaving! She knew that he was having trouble watching Cody struggle. She and her husband had even gone apartment hunting with him, hoping to help him find a place of his own so he could have some much-needed space yet remain close to the family. But why would he move halfway across the country? Why didn’t he tell her?



Shocked, hurt, and feeling deeply betrayed, Jennifer confronted her son, asking how he could possibly walk out on his family when they needed him so much. His only response didn’t ease her pain: “I just can’t take it anymore.” Jennifer “couldn’t take” her son’s response. Days later, locked in her bedroom in self-imposed exile, she listened as her son loaded his belonging into his car and left. She didn’t say goodbye. She didn’t even speak to him for a year.



Despite talking with her priest and continually asking God to help her forgive her son, Jennifer couldn’t bring herself to forgive him. “I understood why he had to leave” Jennifer explains, “but the way he did it hurt so much.” She tried to forgive him because she knew she had to, but she didn’t think she could ever truly forgive him – and many times she wasn’t sure she wanted to.



Jennifer didn’t know how to break the cycle, how to break free from the hurt, so she held onto her anger. Her bitterness grew. In time, she discovered that her relationship with Andrew wasn’t the only troubled relationship in her life. Although she never lost her faith in God, Jennifer concedes that she lost the ability to sense His love and presence. “I still believed in God and went to church, but I knew something was missing. I didn’t feel the presence of God during that time. I had no joy or happiness.”



One year after he left, Andrew called home during the day – something he never did because he knew his mom wouldn’t talk to him. But this call was different. He was crying. He was scared. He had developed several painful lumps on his back, lumps that reminded him of William’s cancer. He needed his family.



And Jennifer needed to look at their relationship from a fresh perspective. She had nearly lost two sons to tragedy. As she found herself facing the possibility of losing a third son, her anger and bitterness seemed out of place and inappropriate. She dropped to her knees as soon as she hung up the phone and prayed for her son like she hadn’t in years.



She found herself praying for forgiveness, too. “I had to ask God to forgive me for walking in bitterness for a year. I had lost a year with my son, a year that I can never get back.” As one who had felt the sting of betrayal and disappointment firsthand, she learned an important truth about forgiveness. “Life is so short, you have to forgive. How could you ever live with the guilt if the person you haven’t forgiven were to die?”



Andrew’s lumps turned out to be bone fragments from a previous injury. But like Jennifer’s unforgiveness, bitterness, and anger, they had to completely surface before they could be dealt with and removed. Today, Jennifer would say their relationship is fully restored, although she still wrestles with occasional angry thoughts. But she realizes that hurt was at the root of her anger toward her son. The trust between them was damaged, and Jennifer knows that restoring trust takes time. She also knows that a lack of forgiveness can rob us of the fellowship, joy, and peace that comes from the most important relationship of all – our relationship with God.



The Painful Truth


Like many other who have traveled the rocky road of pain and suffering, Jennifer discovered some painful truths about human relationships:


  • Count on it – relationship problems that were manageable before affliction become markedly worse during affliction.
  • The more we love someone, the more it hurts when the relationship encounters difficulty.
  • Relationship problems can’t always just be prayed away. They may also require time, appropriate action, or even outside intervention.
  • Emotional pain can blind us from seeing the conflict clearly and taking the steps needed to bring reconciliation.
  • Unresolved relationship problems often lead to depression.
  • When we have relationship problems with family and friends, our relationship with God is always affected, and usually, the effect is negative.
  • A lack of forgiveness can cause us to lose our way spiritually.
0
Anger, Depression, Grief, In Your Darkness, Perseverance, Trust, Words of Endurance

Cling to His Promises

By on

September 20, 2011

- Anger, Depression, Grief, In Your Darkness, Perseverance, Trust, Words of Endurance

I cling to you;
your right hand upholds me.
PSALM 63:8



I wanted to run away but I couldn’t. I was angry. He had me stuck between a rock and a hard place. There was no other way for me to turn but to Him. I identified with King David when he said,



You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
PSALM 139:5,7



I shook my fist at Him and cried, “Lord, I hate where I am right now and I don’t understand why. I know your Word is the Truth and the Way so I am going to turn to your Word. So watch out Lord – I am going to learn and hold you to the promises you have made to your children in your Word.”



It was good for me to be afflicted
so that I might learn your decrees.
PSALM 119:71



I had no idea what a monumental step this was for me. I memorized and clung to His promises. I hid them in my heart and cried them out to Him in my darkest hours. His promises comforted me and gave me Hope even though at times I feared they would be true for everyone else but me.



My comfort in my suffering is this:
Your promise preserves my life.
PSALM 119:50



What was most awesome was that God was faithful to every one of His promises for me even in the midst of my fear and doubt. Please know those same promises were made for you too. I urge you to cling to His promises and recall His faithfulness as the Prophet Jeremiah did in the midst of his darkness …



Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
LAMENTATIONS 3:21-23



On the journey with you,
Jan Dravecky

0
Depression, Grief, Healing, Words of Endurance

Even Kings Get Depressed

By on

August 31, 2011

- Depression, Grief, Healing, Words of Endurance

“My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?”
PSALM 6:3



Before I went through my own valley of suffering and depression, whenever I would read the Psalms I would wonder why God put all of King David’s “whining” in the Scriptures for everyone to see. I felt it was such a display of weakness and a poor display of faith.



But after I went through my own depression I can’t tell you how thankful I was that God recorded King David’s “whining” in His Word because I now could so identify with his suffering –I cried out those same cries – I felt those Psalms were recorded just for me.



It brought me great comfort in my pain to know that I was not the only one who ever experienced depression in the valley of suffering. King David was “a man after God’s own heart” (Acts 13:22) – Israel’s most illustrious king – a giant killer from his youth – and yet also here was a man given to depression in the midst of his suffering.



If you have ever been depressed, you know the symptoms: faintness of heart, endless days, sleepless nights, tears, obsessive fear, numbness, weakness, loss of energy, loss of joy, weight loss or gain – just to list a few. As I read the Psalms I realized that King David experienced many of the same symptoms of depression.



His laments and the laments of others before God are recorded in Scripture – notice the similar symptoms:



My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes.
PSALM 38: 10



My heart is blighted and withered like grass; I forget to eat my food.
Because of my loud groaning I am reduced to skin and bones.
I am like a desert owl, like an owl among the ruins.
I lie awake; I have become like a bird alone on a roof.
PSALM 102:4-7



I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
PSALM 6:6



My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught
My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me.
Fear and trembling have beset me: horror has overwhelmed me.
PSALM 55:2,4,5



But just as I lamented about my depression before God the same laments as King David, I am thankful that I could also join in chorus and sing out the same praises with King David when he sang …



I waited patiently for the LORD to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
PSALM 40:1-3 (NLT)



On the journey with you,
Jan Dravecky

0
Depression, Grief, Healing, Words of Endurance

An Unwanted but Common Companion

By on

August 18, 2011

- Depression, Grief, Healing, Words of Endurance

“Where then is my hope? Who can see any hope for me?”
JOB 17:15



Whenever we go through a season of suffering, unfortunately, depression can be an unwanted but common companion on the journey. Job had experienced many afflictions and losses – loss of health, wealth and family – rendering him, as would be expected, depressed and hopeless as expressed in his words above.



Anyone experiencing a season of suffering or loss has a good chance of experiencing some depression on his or her journey. It is a known fact that 98% of all cancer patients experience some level of depression – from mild to severe. A cancer patient’s journey can be one of loss – loss of health, lifestyle and/or finances – all create stress and take their toll on us emotionally and then it impacts us physically.



After Dave and I went through our season of suffering we both experienced severe clinical depression. The depression robbed us of our physical strength and our Spiritual hope. Because we were experiencing depression we felt like failures and we were ashamed that we were not able to handle our life circumstances. Thus we felt immense guilt and the guilt only deepened our depression.



BUT …


We were comforted when we learned that depression was a common companion on the journey of suffering. The Scriptures gives many examples of Godly men who experienced depression – Job, the prophet Elijah and King David.



We were encouraged when we learned that many great Saints of the past – Charles Spurgeon, John Bunyan and even Oswald Chambers among them -experienced bouts of depression and yet God continued to use them mightily in the midst and in spite of their depression.



We felt hopeful when others came alongside us and let us know that they, too, had experienced depression and they had made it to the other side of the valley. We learned we were not alone and neither are you.



AND REMEMBER …


“… weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”
PSALM 30:5



On the journey with you,
Jan Dravecky

0
Anger, Anxiety, Depression, Healing, Relationships, Words of Endurance

Dealing With Your Own Anger

By on

May 3, 2011

- Anger, Anxiety, Depression, Healing, Relationships, Words of Endurance

Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry,
for anger gives a foothold to the devil.
EPHESIANS 4:26-27



While Dave outwardly expressed his anger, I stuffed mine and I never dealt with it. Neither action (his or mine) is God’s way of dealing with anger. Both result in sin – for Dave sin against others – for me sin against myself. One of my major mistakes was to deny my anger and keep it inside. I never felt I had the right to be angry. I didn’t share my hurts, fears or frustrations and the resulting anger with anyone because I did not feel it was the Christian thing to do.



Unfortunately, the end results of letting the sun go down on your anger and turning that anger inward, is depression. And when I did end up depressed fortunately I started seeing a Christian Psychologist, Dr. Sommers.



Upon my first visit with him, he was initially getting to know me, asking general questions about how I approached different situations. I had read enough counseling books to be a little smug in my understanding of the terminology and savvy about giving the answers I thought would be the right ones.



He said, “Tell me Jan how you deal with confronting people when that becomes necessary.” “Oh, I’m good at confrontation,” I assured him.


“Really,” Dr. Sommers said, nodding me on. “Give me an example of a time you needed to confront someone and how you did it.”


“Well, I can’t think of a particular example but I do it all the time because I am a peacemaker. Whenever anyone is mad at me or displeased with me, I go to him or her immediately to make it right. I ask them what I did to make them angry then I correct the problem, whatever it is.”


His expression clouded over. “Okay, but what do you do to confront someone when you are angry or you are the one who has been wronged?”


“Well …” I paused because I was stunned by the question. I had never even considered confronting anyone who hurt or mistreated me. “I don’t do anything – I stuff it. I find it pretty easy to swallow it and that way no one is hurt.”


“Jan,” Dr. Sommers said gently, “you are not confronting in a healthy way when you rush after anyone who is displeased with you to find out what you must do to keep that person from being mad at you. A big difference exists between placating someone and being a peacemaker. You need to learn how to live honestly with others, not just do whatever they want so they don’t get mad at you.”


He continued, “Also, ignoring situations where you have been wronged because you want to ‘keep the peace’ reveals a problem. No, you won’t hurt others but stuffing your anger will hurt you – in fact it already has.”



I sat there stunned. This was an area of my life that I thought was fine. Now, in light of what his questions revealed, I suddenly realized I needed to be aware of my own feelings and needs without feeling selfish. I also needed to reevaluate the patterns that I had set in all my relationships and find new healthy ways to respond.



The understanding I gained set me free to see situations differently and I responded differently. Now because I am more aware of my emotions, if I’ve been wronged or sinned against by someone, I go to the person as Scripture tells us to in Matthew 18:15-17.



I still have to swallow hard (it will never be easy for me) before confronting those who might get mad at me or retreat from me. I will always need an extra dose of courage when I confront but at least I realize confrontation is necessary at times to keep my relationships and me healthy, balanced and honest.



And finally I learned that I had always prided myself on my graciousness shown in overlooking wrongs against me. I saw my placating and people-pleasing-at-all-costs kind of behavior as a Godly virtue when it really wasn’t. Only when I was weakened by depression, could I see my life in His light and take steps under His direction on the path that He taught me so that I could heal.



Show me your ways, LORD, teach me your paths.
Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
PSALM 25:4-5



On the journey with you,
Jan Dravecky

0
Depression, Grief, Pain, When Cancer Comes Home, Words of Endurance

The Forgotten Spouse

By on

April 2, 2011

- Depression, Grief, Pain, When Cancer Comes Home, Words of Endurance

The Bible describes a married couple as becoming “one flesh” (see Genesis 2:24). And the union that marriage brings is felt keenly when one has to battle cancer. Although only one of the members of that union may be diagnosed with the dis-ease, both are profoundly affected by it. In fact, many cancer patients say that the cancer battle is actually more difficult for their well spouse. One patient said, “My wife has suffered more than I have. She is the one who has had to deal with the issues of life and the ramifications of my illness. I have been too busy fighting the disease to deal with anything else.”



Yet while the cancer battle rages, the needs of the well spouse are often overlooked. And those needs are great. When one spouse is diagnosed with cancer, the scales of responsibility tip heavily in the well spouse’s direction. The well spouse runs from home front to battlefront offering updates, providing moral support, and stocking both fronts with necessary supplies.



Comfortable and secure daily routines are upended for everyone in the family, particularly the well spouse. The wife who stayed home to care for her family may find herself struggling to adjust to her new role as sole provider. She may feel guilty over her inability to “be there” for her children. The husband whose wife has handled most of the household and family responsibilities suddenly finds his orderly and efficient home in chaos. He struggles to balance career, household duties, and family activities.



Even more unsettling are the sudden, dramatic changes that occur in the couple’s relationship. The primary caregiver in the family may become the care receiver. The breadwinner may be unable to work and may watch helplessly as the well spouse increases the workload in order to make ends meet. In addition to role changes, the well spouse must carry the additional load of routine tasks that the sick spouse can no longer manage. The relational stresses that these adjustments bring are significant—even when circumstances are ideal. Imagine going through them under cancer’s looming shadow!



So it’s not uncommon for a well spouse to feel utterly overwhelmed and totally alone. If you find yourself in this situation, it’s important to realize that your feelings of inadequacy are not due to weakness or lack of character—the reality is, your life has been turned upside down. Furthermore, much of what you face you face alone. Your spouse is often unable to provide adequate support and most people around you don’t realize the burden you carry.



But you are not alone. Many other husbands and wives walk the same lonely, difficult road. They, too, are weighted down by a similar burden. At the Outreach of Hope, we hear the anguish of your hearts:

We can’t talk about my fears. She has her own. And if we combined our fears, the emotional weight would bury us alive.
We never talk about the little things anymore. There are too many big things clamoring for our time and attention.
We haven’t held each other for so long. Our time is totally consumed with treatment schedules, trips to the pharmacy, insurance paperwork, and trying to juggle our dwindling resources.
I feel so selfish if I share my needs. They can’t begin to compare with her daily struggle of treatment, its side effects, and the emotional and spiritual weight of her cancer battle.



It’s confusing, frightening, and exhausting to be the well spouse. As the main support person for the family, the well spouse often “runs on empty”—meet-ing everyone’s needs but his or her own. They may deny their own pain or the severity of their condition in order to keep from adding more stress to an already stressful situation. But just as the deposit/withdrawal principle applies to a bank account, it applies to our emotional, physical, and spiritual health. When a well spouse neglects taking time for rest, reflection, or refreshment, the account will eventually be overdrawn, putting the well spouse at risk for illness or depression. While others focus their attention on the battlefront—on the cancer patient—the needs of the well spouse remain unnoticed and unmet. But when the well spouse suffers, everyone in the family suffers.



So those who would be encouragers to a family or couple suffering under cancer’s attack would do well to step back from the battlefront and notice the weary soul behind the action. As one cancer patient said, “People always call and want to know how I am doing. But I want them to ask my wife how she is doing. I want someone to worry and fuss over her. That’s the best thing they can do for me.”

0
Anger, Cancer, Depression, When Cancer Comes Home, Words of Endurance

All in the Family

By on

March 27, 2011

- Anger, Cancer, Depression, When Cancer Comes Home, Words of Endurance

And if one member suffers,
all the members suffer with it…
The apostle Paul referring to the family of Christ in 1 Corinthians 12:26





Many people know that I had cancer, but many people don’t know that although I was a patient, I wasn’t the only one who suffered. My whole family battled cancer. Not one of us escaped its grasp.



When cancer comes home, every member of the family is launched on a new and challenging journey. Nobody knows quite what to do. Jan and I didn’t know what to do. We bumbled our way through it. We handled some things remarkably well, but in other ways we fell flat on our faces.



From the very beginning, we were totally honest with our children. That was good. It was also scary, especially when amputation became necessary. You see, our six-year-old son Jonathan was afraid of people who had physical handicaps. If he saw a child who was deformed, he panicked. He ran away from children in wheelchairs. Although we did our best to prepare him for the amputation of my arm by telling him the truth, answering his questions, and addressing his fears, we didn’t know how he would respond.



When I came home following the amputation, Jonathan stared at me for a long time. Then he ran outside and gathered up his friends. They called me into the garage and Jonathan said, “Dad, take off your shirt. Show ’em where they cut your arm off.” So I did. They all looked at the fresh wound and said, “Oh, gross!” then they ran outside to play. That was how Jonathan broke the ice and began accepting what had happened to me. Today he no longer fears physical handicaps. Instead, a deep compassion for those who suffer has been built into his character.



I wish I could say that Jan and I handed cancer as a couple as well as we did with our children, but we didn’t. Just as intense heat brings the impurities in gold ore to the surface, the pressure of cancer brings a couple’s flaws and impurities into the open. Jan describes that time best: “For a time, Dave was angry. Although I knew his heart and didn’t lack love for him, I didn’t like seeing that ugly side of him. And I didn’t handle my role as caretaker well. I ended up depressed, burned out, and guilt-ridden. At the time my husband really needed me, I fell apart. My weakness was frustrating to both of us.” Despite our unfailing commitment to one another, we fell apart to the point that my parents needed to come into our home and care for us for six weeks because Jan and I had become incapable of doing it ourselves.



We don’t know exactly what you face on your cancer journey because every individual and family responds to the demands of cancer in their own way. But we do know that cancer is difficult for everyone in the family and that each member’s response has a dramatic impact on the other members. Some people are able to pull together and work through the process. They don’t experience the same things Jan and I experienced. Other families are just like us and have to deal with difficult, often ugly, issues. And in some families, the crisis is so great that the marriage doesn’t survive.



We certainly don’t have all the answers. We don’t offer a formula of dos and don’ts when cancer comes home. But we are willing to share a glimpse of our cancer experience and the experiences of others in the hope that it will encourage you and help you press on and endure the journey as a family. You are not alone in dealing with these issues. Many other families, through loving acceptance of one another and open, honest communication, are learning how to deal with cancer when it comes home.

0

"The journey of our suffering was not hopeless. Through it we discovered the power of endurance - not in our own ability, but in the comfort, encouragement, and hope that God provides"

LEARN MORE
 

Connect

Endurance with Jan and Dave Dravecky

PO BOX 1912, SALINA, KS 67402

Phone: 800.295.5880

Fax: 303.962.7596

 

Dravecky Fan Corner