Walking the Path of Encouragement, Words of Endurance

Love does not seek its own, is not provoked,
does not take into account a wrong suffered.
1 CORINTHIANS 13:5 (NIV)

The stress and strain of serious illness brings everyone’s weaknesses to the surface — those of the patient, as well as those of caregivers and encouragers. Fear, pain, fatigue, depression, job changes, income loss, isolation, uncertainty, and other stresses can so drain a person’s energy that social norms and niceties fly right out the window. Phone calls may not be returned. Thank-yous or even an acknowledgment of meals or flowers may not be given. Feelings are easily hurt by the lack of what we consider to be an appropriate response. And the feelings of patients are hurt when their friends are not able to support them in the way they desire and need.

So forgiveness is absolutely necessary. Forgiveness is the godly response to the human condition. It is not a feeling or emotion. It is more like a comforting blanket that covers one’s frailty and weakness with unconditional love. Forgiveness is the gift that enables a friendship to survive the ups and downs of serious illness.

Heather Grounds, the college student who shared her story in the last issue of The Encourager, now shares her story of forgiveness and reconciliation.

The loss of some friendships during my treatment for cancer was devastating to me, I struggled to know what to do. Is it really necessary to let my friends know how painful it was to not have their friendship? I wondered. What if I try to reestablish the relationship and they don’t even respond? During this time, 2 Corinthians 5:16-18 kept coming back to me: “So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view . . . if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation: the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation” (2 Corinthians 5:16-18 NIV). So I decided to obey God’s Word and seek reconciliation.

For several months I prayed for an attitude of love toward my friends who had hurt me. I prayed for a heart to forgive them, no matter what the pain. This wasn’t easy because their lack of friendship was ongoing, and it continued to eat away at me. Eventually, I realized that although I could not control their actions, I could control mine. That refreshing revelation set me free to take action.

You see, we naturally assume that our friends should do certain things that are required in a friendship — like be there for us when we are really sick. I struggled to understand why my friends didn’t reach out to me or in some tangible way let me know they cared. Because they had not done for me what I thought they should have done, I had become bitter and angry in my heart toward them. I knew this was wrong. God has commanded us to allow no root of bitterness to grow in our hearts, so I knew I was in trouble. My heart was not right before God because of my bitterness. Although I couldn’t control my friends’ actions, my attitude toward them was up to me and God. I needed to give my bitterness over to God and do my part to initiate forgiveness and reconciliation with my friends.

So I took the step to reestablish communication with one friend by lovingly sharing my hurts with her. I knew I was risking another loss if she didn’t respond, but I never really thought I wouldn’t hear from her again for months! This was a terrible blow because I thought I had done what was right. Yet her response made me feel like I had messed up.

When we saw each other again, however, my friend shared her side of the story. As it turned out, she had been going through difficult times that I didn’t know about, and my situation was more than she could handle — it immobilized her. She had felt guilty because she couldn’t give more to me at the time, and I hadn’t validated what she was able to give. After that meeting, I was so thankful to have heard of her struggle. I thought that this would be the beginning of a new relationship.

But three months passed without a word from her. I was so confused. I thought we had really accomplished something — then nothing. When I had the opportunity to see her again, it was difficult. I simply chose to love her and didn’t probe to find out why she hadn’t written. I had to lay myself down and allow her to respond in her own way without fear of what I might think or do.

The most amazing thing happened about a month later—I received a thank-you letter from her! As I read her letter, the pain in my heart just melted away. I realized that she really did care about me and our relationship. I realized that if it took some time for us to be close friends again, that would be all right, too.

It isn’t easy to reach out in forgiveness to those who hurt us, especially when we are hurting. But our only alternative is to choose self-pity and isolation, which leads to loneliness and despair. God commands us to reach beyond our comfort zones and give mercy and compassion to those who have hurt us, just as He has shown mercy and compassion to us. He commands this because He loves us. Forgiveness and reconciliation allow His purposes to prevail in our lives.

My friend is not perfect – no more than I am – and so we suit each other admirably.
Alexander Smith

Walking the Path of Encouragement, Words of Endurance

If we’re to help bear the burden for a suffering friend, honesty about failures, shortcomings, and expectations is essential. We feel uncomfortable when we don’t have the answers to life’s difficult problems. We want to hide when we feel we have failed. We tend to bury painful disappointments. These natural responses (from the one who is suffering as well as from those who would be encouragers) can break down close relationships at the very time we need them the most.

As encouragers, we need to be honest about our fears, our weaknesses, our strengths. If we haven’t “been there” for a hurting friend, we need to let our friend know why—not as an excuse, but as an apology. We need to resolve the past losses and hurts so that we can encourage our friend in whatever way is possible today and tomorrow.

We need to be honest about the kind of encouragement and support we are able to offer. If you are a terrific problem solver but struggle as a listener, let your friend know how you want to employ your problem-solving gift for his or her benefit. Perhaps you can be a meal or transportation coordinator, or the person who will make sure that the yard maintenance is done.

We need to allow our hurt-ing friend to be honest, too. We need to drop our agendas for those who hurt. We need to be there for them, not to form them.

Allowing a hurting friend to be completely honest is not easy, particularly if our friend is angry. Anger is one of the more difficult—but totally normal—emotions a person encounters when dealing with a life-threatening illness. And a hurting friend’s anger can be intimidating and shocking.

In the heat of anger, your friend may make unsettling pronouncements about life or God or rapidly fire questions at you, demanding answers. If so, count it a privilege that your friend has trusted you enough to expose his or her deepest pain to you. In the face of such honesty, Dave Biebel, author of How to Help a Heartbroken Friend, says we are “as close to representing God as is humanly possible.” So your response is extremely important. Don’t fall into the trap of giving pat answers or attempting to explain away your friend’s suffering. Simply accept your friend’s honesty and respond in honesty. It is okay not to have answers.

Honesty opens the floodgates to a hurting heart. Honesty allows tears and silence. It allows joy and fear. It allows questions—with or without answers. Honesty gives a hurting heart a safe place to be loved, to grow, and to heal.

A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere, before whom I may think out loud.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Faces of Pain

• Physical pain – Cancer patients often endure tremendous physical pain as a result of their illness. In addition, they often must live in the battleground of surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy with the accompanying stitches, sunburns, and sick stomachs.
• Emotional pain – The cancer patient and family also face the pain of adjusting to major life changes. Their daily routine is often turned upside down. Family relationships change. In the all-consuming battle against the cancer, emotional needs often go unmet. Emotional neglect can be managed for a time, but cancer is rarely short term.
• Spiritual pain – Sometimes, when the quiet moments come, the noise of nagging questions roars in: Why? Why me? Why now? Only rarely do the heavens open up with answers. While bodies wrestle with physical pain and hearts face emotional pain, the deafening silence of unanswered questions can bring spiritual pain—the most disturbing pain of all.