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Cancer, Faith, The Winds of Change, Words of Endurance

Weathering the Winds of Change

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August 2, 2011

- Cancer, Faith, The Winds of Change, Words of Endurance

I really struggle with surrendering my plans to God. Surrender feels like weakness to me. That’s why I’ve memorized this quote by Henrietta Mears:
“The greatness of a man’s power is the measure of his surrender.”
BEVERLY JONES



After Dave’s comeback game, I figured he would continue pitching and go on to complete a satisfying Major League baseball career. I was excited about the opportunities baseball could give him to share what God had done in his life through his battle with cancer. And as far as our personal life was concerned, I thought the worst was over. I thought life would finally return to “normal,” that there would be no more major changes or surprises on the horizon.



I was wrong on both counts. My desires for Dave’s baseball career and my plans for our life as a couple and as a family weren’t selfish. In fact, they were completely normal. But they were my plans. They obviously weren’t in God’s plan.



Four days after Dave’s comeback game, the winds of change upgraded to hurricane status and stayed there long enough to sweep away any thought of rebuilding life exactly as it had been before. First, Dave’s arm broke. Then it broke again. Then the cancer returned. Then Dave needed more surgery, additional treatment, more setbacks, and finally the amputation. During that process, I not only gave up on my plans, I was beginning to seriously question God’s plans.



I eventually learned (the hard way) that drastic changes in our lives require us to identify and grieve our losses in order to maintain our emotional and spiritual health. We have to acknowledge the things that are precious to us that we have lost in the storm. Those losses may be things like our dreams for the future, our career aspirations, our innocence, and in our case, even a pitching arm.



Like other people who have come face to face with the storms of change, I had to face the reality that God might have other plans—and that I might not like them. If it comes down to a tug-of-war with God over who gets their way, God is going to win. Scripture assures me that He will: “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails” (Proverbs 19:21). We have but two choices: fight God and resist His plan or surrender to God and submit to His plan. Although making that choice is easier said than done, I can truthfully say that every divine detour God gave us ended up being the very best thing that could have happened.



When Jesus faced the ultimate storm, His death on the cross, He looked God straight in the eye and spoke these all-too-human words, “My father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me” (Matthew 26:39). This simple plea is what makes Him the perfect Savior. He understands our human nature, our resistance to change, our struggle to surrender our desires and plans to Him. In contemporary terminology, He’s “been there, done that.” Now He stands prepared to empower, encourage, and embrace us as we face the storms of life, the inevitable changes that are a part of our journey here on earth.



. . . Let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
HEBREWS 4:14-16

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Cancer, Pain, Treasures in the Darkness, Trust, Words of Endurance

A Treasure Prepared in the Darkness

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July 11, 2011

- Cancer, Pain, Treasures in the Darkness, Trust, Words of Endurance

An outgoing and gregarious teenager, Michelle Dacus was president of her school’s Christian Club and active in her church. She looked forward to graduating from high school and heading off to college where she planned to prepare for a future in social work. But just weeks before graduation, excruciating kidney pain sent her to the emergency room. For the next six months, Michelle’s life was dictated by trips to the ER, catheters, and kidney infections.



This was not Michelle’s first encounter with pain and suffering. When she was just eighteen months old, she had an advanced, life-threatening cancer that engulfed several of her internal organs. For four years, doctors tried to arrest the cancer without harming those organs. It was a delicate balancing act, and much of her treatment was experimental. Doctors told her parents that she probably wouldn’t survive. Yet Michelle survived those difficult years and credits her recovery to “the doctor’s wisdom and the Lord having a plan for my life.”



More than a decade later, however, Michelle’s life was again threatened, this time as a result of the experimental treatments that once had saved it. She needed major surgery to rebuild and repair several damaged organs. Surgery was scheduled for the winter break of her freshman year in college.



Although Michelle did not know how long or difficult her recovery might be, she remembers the drive to the hospital. “I was at peace and ready to get everything taken care of. I knew God was going to come through and be faithful once again.”



After surgery, she remembers seeing her mom’s tears of relief. And she can never forget the pain. “It was as if I had lightning bolts running through my legs. It hurt so much I didn’t want to move a muscle.” The surgery had stretch the nerves in both of Michelle’s legs, leaving her nearly paralyzed and in constant pain. “It was the most severe pain in my entire life,” she says. “I would just lie there, crying. My mom would rub my legs day and night trying to soothe the pain.”



The darkness continued closing in. Instead of returning to college after Christmas break, Michelle returned to her bedroom. For the next three months, she lived in pajamas, unable to walk. She was on such strong pain medication that she was barely able to eat. Her weight dropped to 86 pounds. “I was completely helpless. My Mom had to do everything – even brush my teeth. I had a walker in my room, and with my Mom’s help I would practice standing up and leaning on the walk. It took every ounce of every I had just to do that. There I was, a lively 18-year-old who was supposed to be in college and I could barely get out of bed. I just couldn’t believe how far down I’d gone.”



Like many others who have walked a similar path through suffering, Michelle desperately wanted to feel God’s presence during those dark months. She wanted to focus on God’s Word, but she was too weak even to hold her Bible. She was in too much pain to read. “That was such a hard time mentally and emotionally. I knew God was doing something, but I didn’t know what and I couldn’t feel His presence. But I knew He was there and working.”



God knew exactly what He was doing. Years before, He had prepared a treasure for Michelle that would help her through the overwhelming darkness. Michelle’s only memory of her battle with childhood cancer is a brief moment in a hospital isolation room. “I was only two or three years old, and I remember being alone in a very quiet room. I could see my parents on the other side of the glass and I wanted to be with them. I put both of my hands on the glass and looked at my mom on the other side. She put her hands on the glass opposite mine and whispered, ‘I love you.'”



Michelle considers the memory of her mom whispering to her through the glass to be a gift from God. “God might have given me that memory because that’s how He is. He’s right there, on the other side of the glass. Even though we can’t feel or touch Him, He is there.” Just as she saw her mother on the other side of the glass so many years before, Michelle sensed God whispering to her, “I’m here with you, and I see your suffering. This is in my hands. It will not last forever.”



That image was a priceless treasure that gave Michelle hope. “My natural tendency was to lie in bed and never get out. But the image I had of God saying, ‘Push through, this isn’t going to last forever,’ gave me hope. I knew that God was with me, so I knew that the pain was either going to end or I was going to go home with Jesus.” That treasure gave her a glimmer of hope that no darkness could overcome.



Now we see a dim reflection, as if we were looking into a mirror, but then we shall see clearly. Now I know only a part, but then I will know fully, as God has known me.
1 Corinthians 13:12(NCV)

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Cancer, Hope, Straight Talk from Dave, Trust, Visions of Heaven, Words of Endurance

How Do You Know You Will Go To Heaven?

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May 31, 2011

- Cancer, Hope, Straight Talk from Dave, Trust, Visions of Heaven, Words of Endurance

I’ll never forget the day the doctors looked at Jan and me and said, “You have cancer!” I didn’t want cancer, I wanted to live for a long time! But as scary as it was to hear the word, cancer, I found peace in the promises in the Bible, promises I had embraced years before.



I first discovered those promises when my minor league roommate challenged me to read the Bible. I had tremendous respect for God and always thought if I could be good enough maybe I’d have a chance at heaven. But as I read, I realized I was a sinner (something most of us realize when we take a good, hard look at ourselves!).



Bible teacher R.C. Sproul perfectly describes what I discovered: “While there is a great attraction to the idea that ‘nice’ people will go to heaven, Scripture clearly states that all humanity is under penalty of death because of sin.” But thankfully God made it possible for us to avoid this penalty.



Through the Bible, I learned that Jesus died to pay the penalty for our sins. If we ask Him to forgive us for our sins, He not only forgives us but promises that life in heaven awaits us! Little did I know how important that promise would be when I learned I had cancer. I am so thankful for the hope I had, and still have, in Jesus! Cancer could have taken my life, but my hope is beyond life on earth. It is in the promise of heaven, the hope Jesus offers to us through His death and resurrection!



I am certain I’m going to heaven because I have received the precious gift of forgiveness and eternal life through Jesus Christ. Anyone who trusts in Him can have that same hope.



God gave us eternal life; the life is in his Son. So, whoever has the Son has life; whoever rejects the Son, rejects life. My purpose in writing is simply this: that you who believe in God’s Son will know beyond the shadow of doubt that you have eternal life, the reality and not the illusion.
1 John 5:11-13, The Message

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Cancer, Fear, Hope, Visions of Heaven, Words of Endurance

Discovering the Hope of Heaven

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May 1, 2011

- Cancer, Fear, Hope, Visions of Heaven, Words of Endurance

by Jan Dravecky



And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Psalm 23:6



When I was a child, I could grasp the idea of God a little bit; I thought of HIm like a big granddaddy in the sky. But the idea of heaven was more difficult; it was just way, way out there somewhere. It wasn’t something I knew much about, and for a long time I rarely thought about it.



Since then I’ve realized that many of us are a bit like children when it comes to thinking about heaven. We like the idea of living with God forever in heavenly bliss, but we rarely give heaven a second thought. It’s hard to believe, but the place we plan to spend eternity remains a mystery to us.



Heaven is a mystery in part because we are incapable of fully comprehending what it will be like and what it will mean to us. It is also a mystery because we don’t investigate it. We rarely give heaven a second thought until the pain and suffering of this life forces us to grasp for a greater hope.



I never realized how important heaven was until Dave got cancer. Then, heaven got my attention! When the threat of death became real to me, the reality of heaven zoomed into focus. The hope of heaven was something I could look forward to and hang onto no matter what was happening in my life on earth.



But as comforting as the hope of heaven was, something still bothered me: I didn’t know much about heaven. It still seemed too distant, too unknown. Because I am an inquisitive person, I began asking questions. What, exactly, will heaven be like? I wondered. What will my body be like? When will I get to heaven? And on and on.



I looked first for books about heaven, but at the time there were very few books on the subject. So my search for answers led me straight to the Scriptures. And the more I learned, the more excited I became.



One of my big questions about heaven was what would happen to our physical bodies. Dave, after all, was facing the loss of a limb. So imagine my excitement as I read 1 Corinthians 15:42-44: “The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body.” What a comfort to learn that our earthly bodies are temporary – they are not made to last – and we will be raised up and given new bodies that are appropriate for heaven!



I also wanted to learn what heaven was like and what life would be like there. So I began reading the portions of Scripture that describe these things



The visual descriptions of heaven are truly amazing – incredible images of beauty, light, color, purity, and abundant life. But even more amazing to me were the descriptions of how we would experience life in heaven. The pain and suffering I saw in life on earth had always troubled me, but in Revelation 21:3-5, I read about God living with His people and wiping away “every tear from their eyes.” In heaven, God will make everything new! The old order of death, mourning, crying, and pain that we have known our entire lives will be no more! What a wonderful comfort that is!



As I investigated the truth about heaven, I not only found comfort, I gained a whole new perspective on life. I discovered that heaven truly is a wonderful gift. Even more important, I learned that nothing here on earth can take away the promise of living with God forever. Now that’s a hope we can hold onto!



Cultivate, then, your hope…speak of heaven and act as though you really expected to go there. Make the world know that you have a hope of heaven…that you are a believer in eternal glory and that your hope to be where Jesus is.
Charles Haddon Spurgeon

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Cancer, Grief, Pain, Walking the Path of Encouragement, Words of Endurance

Give Up Your Self

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April 16, 2011

- Cancer, Grief, Pain, Walking the Path of Encouragement, Words of Endurance

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
JOHN 15:12-13 (NIV)



True friends give of themselves for one another. Giving up one’s self is essential when we seek to encourage a friend who is suffering from cancer or other long-term physical condition. It may mean setting aside my agenda and taking on my friend’s agenda. It may mean laying down my free time and giving it to my friend. It may mean laying down my opinion on a matter and allowing my friend’s opinion to take center stage.



It isn’t easy to give up one’s self. We are inherently selfish. No matter how much we desire to encourage others, no matter how disciplined we are, no matter how spiritually motivated we are, our instincts cry out loudly, “Me first!” At some point, our friend’s needs and our self-centered desires will collide. At some point, we will find ourselves wishing we could watch the movie we wanted to see rather than listening to our friend. At some point, we will grow weary of bearing our friend’s burden and think, What about my needs?



So be warned. Helping to bear a friend’s burden will cause personal discomfort. We may be called upon to carry a load that is far heavier than we first imagined, or we may need to carry it for a greater distance than we would prefer. It is important to decide early on if we are up to that challenge if we will bear with the inconvenience for the long haul. If not, we need to be honest with ourselves and our friend regarding our commitment. Backing away from a suffering friend when the going gets tough can be as painful as the worst medical treatment they will endure.



Those who would encourage a suffering friend walk a tightrope between giving of themselves and maintaining their personal health. Yes, we are to bear one another’s burdens, but we’re not sup-posed to carry the whole load. To do so is harmful—to us and to those we seek to encourage. Carrying the whole load for a friend is harmful because it may prolong his or her denial and pain. If we do for our friend what our friend is capable of doing, we may undermine his or her sense of personal worth and hinder his or her continued emotional and spiritual growth.



So it is important for those who would be encouragers to examine both motives and actions. Ask God to help you become aware of your selfish tendencies so that you can truly give of yourself. Ask God to unveil your true motives, so that you can give purely, not for the purpose of building up yourself. Ask God to show you what not to do so that you can set healthy boundaries and avoid a codependent relationship, which is wearying to you and demeaning to your friend. Ask God to help you develop an “energizer bunny” faithfulness—one that keeps giving and giving and giving in a way that draws both you and your friend closer to God and makes you more aware of His loving presence in your lives.



Key to Walking the Path of Encouragement


Sometimes those who suffer can’t even think of what another person could do to help. The following questions might enable your friend to express his or her needs.


  • When may I take your children on an outing (to the park, fishing, ball game, camping, out for pizza or ice cream—you fill in the blank)?

  • What errands may I run for you?

  • What undone chores around the house are weighing on you?

  • What is your favorite meal, and when can I fix it for you?

  • What can I do that would bless your heart today?



A friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

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Anger, Cancer, Guilt, Healing, Pain, Words of Endurance

Anger is Part of the Ride

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April 12, 2011

- Anger, Cancer, Guilt, Healing, Pain, Words of Endurance

And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.
EPHESIANS 4:26-27 (NLT)



Anger – normally seen as a negative emotion – is not an uncommon companion on the journey through the valley of suffering – especially not for me – it was part of my ride on the emotional roller coaster. You have heard us talk many times about how we did not suffer pretty. We experienced a full gamut of emotions on the emotional roller coaster through our valley of suffering.



For Jan, her huge struggle was with fear but for me my monumental struggle was with my anger. From the time I was young I had always had a temper. But when I accepted Christ at the age of 25, my anger seemed to subside. Life was relatively good (and easy) and I really had no struggles with my anger erupting for the next 9 years UNTIL I journeyed through the valley of suffering. It was then that this volcano started to erupt.



During that time I kept so many of my emotions that I was experiencing inside because I did not know how to handle them. As a result, I lashed out in random acts of anger that had no relationship whatsoever to what was happening around me. I got angry with Jan and the kids when they weren’t doing anything wrong. They became innocent victims of my pain – pain I did not know how to handle. Because of the emotional pain Jan and I experienced during my battle with cancer, we sought the help of a Christian counselor.



I learned through the counseling process that anger is usually a response to three different emotions: fear, frustration or hurt – all of which are a part of the journey through the valley of suffering. Facing the reality of our fear, frustration and hurt is difficult, so most of us do our best to ignore those feelings. We bury those feelings deep inside – but they don’t go away – instead they can produce anger which then can produce guilt because we feel we have sinned.



BE ENCOURAGED. Anger is actually a God-given alarm within us that lets us know that there is something deeper going on inside of us. Anger, in and of itself, is not sin – it is just a secondary emotion. But the Scripture warns, when we feel anger we need to deal with it immediately OR ELSE the anger will control us – then causing us to sin – giving a foothold to the devil.



Now I know how scary it is to acknowledge and talk about those deep emotions. It was scary for me then and it is still scary!! But as I learned how to talk about those feelings, I began to free myself from the tyranny of my anger. When I dealt with the core issues inside, I was less inclined to express anger in situations where there was no cause.



I now know when I don’t deal with the core issues; my anger will build inside and eventually cause pain for the people I love the most.



Most people view anger as the number one negative emotion. However, anger is a God-given emotion that, when understood and used as God intended, has tremendous potential for good.
GARY J. OLIVER, PH.D.



On the journey with you,
Dave Dravecky

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Cancer, Dealing With Doubt, Doubt, Healing, Love, Peace, Trust, Words of Endurance

Be Inspired by the Faith of Others

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April 12, 2011

- Cancer, Dealing With Doubt, Doubt, Healing, Love, Peace, Trust, Words of Endurance

Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed;
blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
JOHN 20:29



When dealing with a season of doubt, I am always encouraged and inspired by the faith exhibited by others -especially those who believed and had not seen.



First consider the famous “Hall of Faith” listed in Chapter 11 of Hebrews. The list includes such “Greats” as Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph and Moses. All who exhibited great faith in the midst of much tribulation and what is even more amazing to me is that …



All these people were still living by faith when they died.
They did not receive the things promised;
they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance,
HEBREWS 11:13



Then there is Stephen, “… a man full of God’s grace and power …” (ACTS 6:8) who as he was about to be stoned he …



… looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God,
and Jesus standing at the right hand of God.
“Look,” he said, “I see heaven open and the Son of Man
standing at the right hand of God.”
ACTS 7:55-56



Wow! To have that kind of faith, strength and trust while facing imminent death- I truly cannot fathom!



But nothing inspires my faith more than when I have the privilege to witness the faith of the people we meet through our ministry, Endurance. Our ministry is to bring comfort, encouragement and hope to all we meet but inevitably we are the ones who end up encouraged the most. One such person who has blessed us is Mary Schiltz.



Mary lost her battle with ovarian cancer this past weekend. I have followed Mary’s journey ever since she walked through our ministry door over two years ago when she was inquiring about encouraging resources for others in her church who were battling cancer. Mary was one of the most awesome people I have ever met. She has been an inspiration to me and to so many others just by the way she lived her life and fought to beat her cancer. Her love for the Lord, her family, friends and church family was something to behold.



This past summer, when she felt she might not beat her cancer she asked me “Jan, how do I do this? I don’t know how.” I did not know how to answer her but I can honestly tell you for someone who did not know how to walk through her final days on this earth, Mary did it with grace, love, humor and great faith.



Like the “Greats” listed in the “Hall of Faith” Mary did not receive her promise for healing on this side of eternity but like the “Greats” and Stephen, Mary’s eyes were fixed on the eternal and her faith has brought her into the eternal presence of her Heavenly Father.



Therefore we do not lose heart.
Though outwardly we are wasting away,
yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory
that far outweighs them all.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen,
since what is seen is temporary,
but what is unseen is eternal.
2 CORINTHIANS 4:16-18



On the journey with you,
Jan Dravecky

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Cancer, Loneliness, When Cancer Comes Home, Words of Endurance

And You Find Yourself Alone

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April 9, 2011

- Cancer, Loneliness, When Cancer Comes Home, Words of Endurance

We know that the cancer battle isn’t always fought amidst a company of family members and friends. Some who face cancer fight on a very lonely battle-field. For these individuals, cancer doesn’t come home to much of a family.



Some individuals have never married, so they do battle without the love and support (and the accompanying trials, concerns, complications) of a life partner. Some have no children to worry about, to explain things to, nor do they experience the delight and joy that children can bring to even the darkest hours. Others have no living parents to care for them, to worry over them.



Some start their cancer battle with a spouse at their side, but in the heat of the battle, their spouse abandons them. Physically sick and deeply wounded emotionally, they are left to muster their resources and battle on alone, often shouldering the full burden of financial provision and care for their children.



Then, too, some fight valiantly beside a stricken spouse and one day awaken on the unfamiliar and strangely deserted battlefield of death. The cancer battle over, they must pick up what remains of their shattered family life and continue on alone.



Yes, cancer does find its way into some lonely homes. If you find yourself in this situation, our heart goes out to you. We want you to know that there is hope. You don’t have to remain alone.



You have a heavenly Father who loves you and cares for you deeply. Ask Him to help you find the supportive friendships, the family you need. He may use long-lost relatives, neighbors, a cancer support group, your local church, or friends to provide comfort and encouragement. But the most important friend is Jesus. The Bible describes Him as one who “is near to the brokenhearted” and the “friend who sticks closer than a brother.” So invite Him into your home. Allow Him to fill your heart with peace, grace, mercy, and love. He has promised to “never leave or forsake you.”

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Cancer, Healing, Hope, When Cancer Comes Home, Words of Endurance

How Family & Friends Can Help

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April 9, 2011

- Cancer, Healing, Hope, When Cancer Comes Home, Words of Endurance

Have I not wept for the one whose life is hard? Was not my soul grieved?
Job 30:25



When cancer takes up residence in a home, caring friends and extended family members often want to help, but don’t know how. If you find yourself in such a situation, the following suggestions may help your encouragement touch the hurting hearts of not just one person, but the whole family.



Remember the ripple rule! Like the impact of a stone plunging into a pond, the impact of cancer on a patient ripples out and touches every member of the patient’s family. A sensitive encourager will not only seek to encourage the patient but will follow the ripple out and encourage the spouse, the children, the parents—everyone in its path. Instead of sending greeting cards exclusively to the patient, for example, you may want to consider addressing a card to the whole family or sending individual cards to each family member.



Make contact. A surprising number of would-be encouragers never take the first step toward establishing appropriate communication. When cancer comes home, few family members have the energy to seek out encouragers. So commit yourself to con-tacting the family and making yourself available. If you don’t know every family member well, begin by expressing care for the member you do know. You can send a card, make a phone call, or prepare a treat for the family to enjoy. If you know only a child in the family, you could express your awareness of the family situation to one of the parents and ask how he or she would like you to encourage that child.



Offer to be a sounding board. Cancer patients and their families are on a roller coaster ride of emotions. At times they are caught unaware by a burst of anger, sorrow, or fear. A safe, available person who can listen well when a patient’s spouse, parent, or child needs to “let off steam” is a strong support for a family dealing with cancer. Someone who gives the freedom for family members to express their feelings in a safe, loving setting will help them work through the many feelings that can be troubling their hearts.



Remember, it’s usually more important to listen than to speak. Guard against making judgments about what is said. Instead, share supportive, life-giving words. The Bible has some good suggestions:

  • Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. – James 1:19


  • Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. – Romans 12:15


  • Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. – Colossians 4:6


    • If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. . . . Love is patient, love is kind. . . .It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. – 1 Corinthians 13:1-8



Recognize the family’s spiritual needs. The well members of a cancer patient’s family, particularly the primary care giver, need spiritual strength to walk in God’s wisdom, discernment, and peace on a daily basis. And in the midst of their struggle, family members may go through a difficult period of questioning God — His goodness, faithfulness, or love for them. So pray for the family’s spiritual needs as well as the emotional and physical ones. Consider providing a prayer partner for each family member. You could also send a devotional book, a new Bible, or a book of encouragement.



Just do it! It’s all too easy to say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.” No matter how sincere the offer, a family that is dealing with cancer may not have the energy to take you up on it. You may be able to offer greater support if you call and say, “I’m going to the store. What can I pick up for you?” or “We’re going to the park, would your children be able to go with us?” There may well be other daily or weekly tasks, such as providing transportation or meals, that you can commit to providing.

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Cancer, When Cancer Comes Home, Words of Endurance

A Glimpse Into a Child’s World

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April 2, 2011

- Cancer, When Cancer Comes Home, Words of Endurance

There’s no such thing as a small soul.
Anonymous



Children may be small in stature, but we adults make a critical error if we assume that their smaller stature mirrors a lesser capacity to experience emotion, spiritual depth, and heartbreak. The minds, souls, and spirits of children are just as real, viable, and dynamic as those of adults. So when cancer comes to their home, they may feel its presence just as profoundly and powerfully as adults—they simply lack the wisdom gained from life experiences to help them understand and cope with this mysterious, unwelcome, and threatening intruder. They need the wise guidance of adults to help them navigate cancer’s troubled waters.



What children rarely lack, however, is the ability to be honest and the willingness to share how they see things. Notice the honesty and depth of feeling in eleven-year-old Mark Haskin’s letter to Dave about his brother’s cancer:



When I heard the bad news, I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know if I was sad or mad or if I was afraid. The reason I didn’t know how to feel was because I didn’t know what cancer was. But when my parents told me it is an illness that some people could die from, I was kind of sad and afraid at the same time.
Soon my brother Brian started getting chemotherapy treatments. That is when I started feeling sorry for him. I felt sorry for him because he got his treatments through needles. At home, he had to get a shot once a day. I usually got his stuffed animal for him because he wanted something to squeeze when he was getting his shot. When he was at the hospital getting his treatments, I visited him there. I would look at him all sick and miserable, lying in his bed. I just felt like taking his place so he could feel better and be able to run around and play with his friends. But on the other hand, I was thinking, I’m glad I’m not in his shoes.
Sometimes I was mad because there were things I wanted to do, like have a friend sleep over, but I couldn’t because Brian was in the hospital and my parents had to be with him. It seemed like it was spoiling my life.
At night when I was lying in bed, I would ask God, “Why does this have to happen to Brian? If we lost him it would destroy our whole family.” Then I realized that God has a reason for everything He does and I know that it is a good reason, even though it does not seem like it at the time.
Brian has been cancer free for almost one year now. When I lie in bed now I thank God for healing Brian and answering my prayers.

Parents who realize how deeply their well children feel cancer’s impact and make efforts to bring them along the journey are a great help to their children. In Mark’s case, his parents told him the truth. He knew the illness was serious. He connected with what his brother was going through. He had the opportunity to express compassion for his brother by supporting him through prayer and practical assistance.



But it isn’t easy for parents to know where to draw the line on truth—how much they should tell or when. One guideline is to remember that your goal is trust. Trust is the glue that holds a family together, and trust is built on truth. How much truth should be shared varies with each child’s age, temperament, and emotional maturity because no two children will react to the same information in the same way.



One obstacle to telling the truth is fear of how the child will react. A child’s crying or display of intense emotion may be uncomfortable or even unpleasant, but it is normal and appropriate to feel deep and disturbing feelings when a family member is seriously ill. On the other extreme, some children are slow to express their feelings openly and may need encouragement, even “permission,” to do so. When children aren’t given a safe, loving environment in which to express their deep emotions, they may, like a shaken soda can, explode under the pressure.



Although it may seem easier to ignore the truth, the potential consequences of shielding children from it are devastating. Children will sense that something is wrong. They will feel anxiety. And when they aren’t told the truth, they will draw their own conclusions—wrong conclusions. They may, for example, conclude that they are to blame for what is happen-ing, assume that things are far worse than they really are, or fear that the cancer will spread to them. These are terrible burdens for children to bear.



Just by knowing what is going on, children can begin to cope. By actively teaching their children to cope with the reality of cancer, parents are teaching them how to live successfully, and that’s what a parent’s job is. As Dr. Wendy Harpham says, “The greatest gift you can give your children is not protection from change, loss, pain or stress, but the confidence and tools to cope and grow with all that life has to offer.”*



Of course, we need wisdom to know when, what, and how to tell our children the truth—and wisdom is available to us. The Bible promises, “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5). So ask God to give you the wisdom to know what to say and the discernment to discover and touch the needs of your child’s heart.



Wisdom is needed because your task isn’t easy. When the whirlwind of life with cancer strikes a family, spiritual and emotional needs increase just as the time and energy to meet them decreases. No matter how attentive or committed a parent you are, some needs will go unmet.



One night, Debra Johnson discovered an unmet need. Her son Andrew had recently undergone a below-the-knee amputation to arrest the spread of bone cancer. As Debra tucked her six-year-old daughter Natalie into bed, Natalie slowly and deliberately looked over her entire body. Finally, she announced that she wanted to have her little finger amputated! Debra convinced her otherwise, but the request revealed how much Natalie, the youngest of five children, missed the attention her brother was now receiving.



Even in the midst of the whirlwind, parents can take steps to minimize cancer’s impact:

  • As much as possible, allow children to maintain their own interests and activities. Doing so will help them feel normal. It will help them realize that life will go on and that they can pursue their dreams. If needed, enlist the help of others to drive them to lessons, sports events, and birthday parties.


  • Stick to the same family routine whenever possible. Bedtime, mealtime, chores, and behavioral rules shouldn’t change. Structure nurtures stability and security—key components of emotional well-being.


  • Watch for warning signs that a child is struggling—behavioral and sleep changes, trouble at school, and difficulties with friends. If you suspect trouble, set aside special time with that child—perhaps a meal at the child’s favorite restaurant, seeing a movie, or taking a walk. Provide the environment and attention they need to share what’s troubling them. If needed, seek the help of a pastor or counselor.



And remember, no matter how hard you try, you can’t do it all. Early in her husband Chad’s battle with Lou Gehrig’s dis-ease, Beth Risley recognized her limitations in meeting her children’s individual needs. She knew outside help was essential, so for the past fifteen years, she has prayed this prayer: You are my Father and the true Father of our children. Please help my children to trust You. Please answer their questions, be there when I can’t, and watch over them. Make me aware of the needs in their life that I can meet. I trust You to meet the rest. You are my Father and the true Father of our children. Please help my children to trust You. Please answer their questions, be there when I can’t, and watch over them. Make me aware of the needs in their life that I can meet. I trust You to meet the rest.



Her prayer points to the one reality in the unpredictable life of cancer that is pre-dictable—the loving care of our heavenly Father. He is the only one who knows for sure what will happen, will never leave them, can heal their deepest hurts and wounds. He is the sure and steadfast anchor they need the most.



By teaching our children to trust God and seek Him daily, we strengthen their ability to cope and even grow through the hardship of cancer. As with any other truth we seek to teach our children, they learn best displayed daily, it reinforces their own. And this most important training comes with a written guarantee: “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6).

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"The journey of our suffering was not hopeless. Through it we discovered the power of endurance - not in our own ability, but in the comfort, encouragement, and hope that God provides"

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